LaVidaLoca wrote this letter to an idiot who pissed her off. Mine is about similar idiots. Diwali night, I was invited to a friend’s place for dinner. Another guy was there, from Bombay, newly married and in general, an ass.
Sitting around, eating malai kofta and naan, when this dude we’ll call him V, starts
V:if there are 4 South Indians, they will never speak in English. They will start in Tamil and not care. Whether its in office or outside.
K(my friend’s dh):Ha yaar, saale aise hi hai.
Me:But But, thats true for North Indians as well, they will start in Hindi. They dont care whether you know or not. And the chances are the South Indian guy knows Hindi, whereas a North Indian speaking Tamil is rare. Even in our own circle, the North Indians are on one side, the Bombay/Pune people on the corner speaking Marathi and then they are people like me who dont fit.
V:Well, it’s all got to do with identity and closeness..he went on about some crap I forgot now. He then asks me..Acha tell me how many “white” friends you have and not acquaintances but FRIENDS.
Me:What..*shocked*..I have a few, my MOM’s club people, Ashwina brownie troop moms.
N(my friend who hosted the dinner):yeah she has a lot, they came to the boy’s party.
V:Oh well, you are different. You were brought up in Singapore.The three of us here do not have any white friends.
Me:And so whose fault is that? Why dont you hang out with your “white” colleagues? I decided to end it there and went into the kitchen because V is my Croc’s contact and I was going to place an order the next day with him. I didnt want to piss him off.
But, that statement got me thinking. Is it true that the Indians(who moved here from say recently to 10 years ago, not the one who were born here) do not hang outside of their desi circle. I was/am sad to leave Boulder because of my very friends
1.Rose, who I just met and clicked with instantly. Her dh came over on our moving day and vacuumed for me.I mean who does that. Who vacuums another’s house. Rose who said, I am so glad to meet you because you are the first non-white person I have meet. Hearing that from Rose, who is Irish and blond and blue-eyed.I thought that was the funniest.
2.Johna who is my craft fair partner. We did shows all of last season together. She brings stuff from her garden for me. She came by with gifts for all the 4 kids for the car ride.
3.Kristie who was my neighbour and she moved but we still go out for coffee. And chat and text and IM.
4.The moms club ladies who brought us dinner when I had Samar.
5.Kim who I met in 2000. She and I still chat on the phone and email each other. I have not seen her since 2003 but yet we are in touch.
Oh I have to write about the other incident. I did a craft fair at the YMCA here on Sat. (made so-so money)Anita who comments on my blog, came by and we were chatting when all of a sudden, this lady cames up and says. Kaha se lay kar aye(where did you bring it from) I was like what? She then says,India say ho kya.(are you from India) Nope Singapore and I dont speak Hindi very well but I know a lot of gaalis. She then says oh I dont want to hear that and moved away from my table. Anita then whispers to me..What are gaalis. I said swear words and we both burst out laughing. Wasnt she weird Anita?
Ohh how irritating..The Bubba and I speak different languages,despite being from bombay..he doesnt talk marathi..so we cant hang out with marathis nor with mallus.and we are misfits in both groups..and this bitabout whitefriends i have heard it too and makes me mad.
Me:Hmm so you guys speak in hindi or in English?Interesting..almost everyone I know who lived in Bombay *claims* that they speak Marathi
people are basically weird i have decided.
Its so nice to hear you speak in that nostalgic tone about friends you love to heart.
When we open up our hearts and lives to people who’re “different”, it only makes life richer and more beautiful!
People who keep themselves closed don’t know what they are missing!
Me:It does, doesnt it? And people are weird and getting weirder!
Sadly, I’d have to say that’s the case – there seems to be a fairly clear divide between those that came here as students, and then stayed on to work and raise families, versus people who came here straight to work. The latter are far more insular, and tend to stick with the desi-networks they had to start with in this country.
Nice to see you stick up for S.Indians though
M
Me:From SIngapore, grew up eating masala thosais every Sunday makes me 1/2 South Indian plus I know enough gaalis in Tamil as well
“because V is my Croc’s contact”..I laughed so much at that!
People are so quick to stand in judgement of others when they are guilty of doing the same thing! Its amazing!
I know a bunch of languages hen do not mind when people form their language groups but my husband hates it when desis do that. We have a lot of good friends who American as well as french, Russian etc with whom we hang out often. We also have a desis group but whenever we meet the talk is invariably about which indian store has cheap groceries, the status of their green card processing, buying a house etc. There are no REAL conversations!
Me:Yeah those 3 topics or which stocks lost the most price or some crap like that
No offense to anyone. But i think ‘these’ people you are talking about bloody pisses me off. These asswipes just think they are better then everyone. Anyway, you are so straight forward, so nice i think you should have said some gaalis. More fun=) And your last post made me so sad=( you’re so strong…..
Me: Thanks Deepu!
Oh please! A lot of Indian just speak hindi even in a mixed ethnic company (White, black, hispanic) and not care a bit.
Heck, yeah loads of Desis socialise with Desis only. Not because they are insular, its about being comfortable with what you know and some social awkwardness in the western mileau. It seems easier to stick with what you know, dosent it? Social relationships formed amongst peers are very different in intensity between the two cultures. Nuances of where loyalty or personal emotional space lines are drawn are different in the two cultures. Any awkwardness in understanding these social rules is often a damper on blossoming friendships. Both cultures have thier strengths in different rules of friendship so they cant be translated easily or even compared.
Also there is a period of adjustment that is fairly long before you “get” the jokes and nuances of another culture. Thats important in any free flowing connections being created and in conversations. Morality rules are also different. Change is hard and change takes a long time to be comfortable in your own space in an alien culture.
Heck, its a lot to take in. It took me years to “feel” American. When I say feel “American” I mean an innate comfortableness with the culture. I went to college here and have living here for decades now. I have been in a mixed Wasp-desi marriage for a really long time. Now you could wake me out of a deep sleep and yeah I will still relate to SNL humor. I can without effort understand the dynamics of my inlaws family.
So yeah it took time to be comforable in my own desiness in this alien culture first, and only then did I very effectively seek out friends from other cultures.
So I cant blame people who have arrived relatively recently being more comfortable in thier own “more easily understandable” circle. But to remain in that circle only forever would be a terrible mistake and a waste of the opportunities presented to them.
Another Kiran In NYC
Me: When you put it like all sensible and wise, I can see your point. But what I realise is that most dont even want to venture out of their circle. I guess then I have a slight advantage being born in Singapore that I knew or had an inkling of the “American Culture, whether it was watching The Cosby Show, Sesame Street or Beverly Hills 90210 and reading magazines or eating at restaurants.
Although sometimes, in a conversation and I do miss the point and almost always ask someone to explain. Previously I used to just keep quiet but now I dont.
Hi Sunita, yeah and I just loved how she acted like I wasn’t even there, and just totally cut in like we weren’t having a conversation. Hahaha…
To Kiran’s comment: my husband was born and raised in Colombia. He came to US for college, and he learned the language very quickly but it took him a couple years to get the culture and get the jokes like on SNL. I never really thought about that before since I was born and raised here, but it does make sense and I found it interesting.
But yeah… I gotta say Sunita that I am guilty of seeking the familiar. For a long time I only had friends who were like me – Chinese but born and raised in the US – mainly just cuz it’s so much easier, you feel more accepted, and you like all the same foods (and you know how eating is such a huge bonding experience). Now that I’m married to a non-Chinese (I still don’t know how that happened), my friends are all over the map. It’s great, I like it, but I don’t get to eat as much Asian food as I want now.
Sorry, what are Desis? Is that like fobs?
What the… why am I a green hairy monster?!
I was told by the Indian moms here that they actually do not stick together even among themselves – because they come from different parts of India! Those from the south stick to others from the south, those from the north with those from the north etc. Isn’t that sad?
I stick out with anyone who can take my loud jokes, like to eat and who do not mind being mentioned in my blog.
Me:ROFL.I think bloggers should have people sign a waiver. You wouldnt sue the said blogger if you are featured on the blog.
JUST what we were talking about. I dont live there so I dont get it… but I’ll tell you this much, if I lived in a place where I didnt feel at home I’d leave pretty soon. I lived in Chennai for a year, tried hard to make friends, it didnt happen – I left. But I’ve lived in Bombay, Hyderabad and Delhi and made so many friends and totally assimilated. I guess theres a lot of sense to Another Kiran’s argument, but I do notice a sort of insular attitude when i talk to desi friends there. they dont want to lose their ‘culture’ and dont like this or that or the other and in the bargain end up socialising with only their own community even in the middle of the US, a milion miles away from India. so pointless to move there just for the clean roads and potable water, i’d say! i’d be rather hurt if someone said they were moving to india for blah blah – but didnt want to assimilate in our culture because it was not good enough for them…