I am a very selfish person. I have no problems demanding my own time once a week. It might be something as fancy as a pole dancing class or as simple as a coffee at Starbucks followed by browsing at B&N. It might be 2-3 hours or it might be a 45 min walk. NK cannot say NO. I dont ask him whether I can. I just ask him if whether a) he has meetings or b)will he be home early . I dont ask for “permission”. I just inform him, I have to go to XYZ at ABC time. Thats it. I will however try to make things as easy as possible for him
Be it dinner that is all ready. Or making sure that I did something fun during the day to tire out the kids so that all 4 would go to bed early. Or just the fact that they can skip their shower. I do this so that I can slip out easily and NK doesnt have excuses when I want to go out alone.
The thing is though why does everyone ask Oh your dh can manage all 4 kids BY HIMSELF? Be it my mother, my mil , a friend, a stranger or the cashier at TJMAXX.
I dont understand the question. No one asks me how I manage to get pick every one up and bring them to the playground, making sure all 4 of them are safe. No one asks me how I make dinner, supervise homework, play lego with Samar while I drinking my chai. No one freaking cares.
But the minute someone says Oh your dh is babysitting the kids. It freaking pisses me off. What kind of a question is that? How can he babysit them? He is their father. I try not to have a bitchy answer and smile and nod my head.
Is this directed at my poor husband because of my comment in your last post
Me: Na.. I didnt realise you used that word. It was something someone said on Sat night. And then when I spoke to my mil she said, acha woh charo ko samaal layga.
I think you should coach me into thinking that he doesn’t baby sit! I am the one who thinks that way. I have been conditioned to think that way.
I really don’t trust him with her…
I think I will have to repeat to myself that she is his as well. I just don’t feel it. I feel that she is all mine. My child, my responsibility and my life and no one else is capable of handling her. I can get people who I can yell at to watch her…but him…because its unfair to criticize, I just try to avoid the situations…
I need daily sessions with you. That or 4 children
Me: Dude you need to trust him. What is the worst that can happen? He feeding her cheerios? for dinner Not scrubbing hard enough in the shower? You need to have a 2nd child and then you have no choice then but to trust him
And darling…do I look the type who will ask fr permission?
Never.
I am the type who informs and then calls every five minutes with sweaty palms, butterflies in her stomach and guilty in her voice..”Is she okay? Did she cry? Is she missing me”
And has no fun doing what ever she is doing…and rushes back, picks up the child and apologizes profusely to the child.
Me: Again have 2nd child and everything will fall into place
I need serious therapy.
Me: Na.. I think you should just let some things go. Not be uptight abt whether its done YOUR way but whether it done at all. Does that make sense?
It is a given every Saturday. Hubby takes the 2 kids around to their activities while I laze around/do whatever. That is ‘me time’.
But I have had questions, especially when I travel to India, and if he is feeding/bathing kids/generally taking care of them and I ignore it. Or smile sweetly and say ‘Its my vacation too’ if I am not in the mood to take it.
TnD…u need to loosen up:-).
Lovely post. I have heard similar reactions when I say my husband cooks sometimes. When the IL’s were here, they were horrified one day when he went to the kitchen to *gasp* heat his own food! I work just as hard as him,pay bills,etc but does not matter! I actually told one guest – “you are on vacation – you don’t want to eat my food,believe me!”
i just say ‘he can do a better job than me’ or some such. shuts people up most of the time.
Great post. i am a regular reader of your blog. You are doing a great job. i have 2 boys, one is six and other one is almost 15 months. My younger one has severe food allergies, so i am having a tough time cooking food for him and everyone else. he’s also on neocate. i also need to lose lot of weight. i have started walking, i read your weightloss story everyday to get some inspiration. i also leave kids with my hubby and go for shopping once a week. i need that to keep me sane. i also dont ask for permission, just inform him
)
Congrats on your weight loss. take care
Anju
I am gonna keep this post saved for ever…. so when I have kids I can show it to my husband…
You’re a better person than I. Because I always say the bitchy answer.
bus jo bhee karo sraikh, dont go around telling manayata and putting ideas in her head, sanju baba will be upset.
the whole ‘kis key bachey’ hain is very familiar…my other grouse, the alleged ‘exorcist/healing’ powers of the breast milk, why is it that every time the kid throws a tantrum I have to hear thoda doodh pila go (breast feed him for a sec) and he will calm down, hell there is no prozac in my blood stream.
Me: rofl. People think babies only cry when hungry I guess.
You go girl! I definitely dont think of it as baby sitting! My husband gets furious if his abilities are questioned. I dont get furious (I might enjoy it a little bit, since it irritates him so much.
) but I do think its ridiculous.
exactly what i think…i hate it too when peopel make a big issue when thekids are left with their father…
and read your last post…made me smile and think pf my salsa class days…:)
Me: Are you still doing the classes?
Yes, thank you. Exactly.
This is like those husbands’ who (on finding their child in a poopy diaper) will tell their wife “baby needs to be changed”. Yeah ? then bloody well change baby yourself – its the fruit of your loins too you know !
Me: And those who proclaim proudly that I have never changed a diaper. OMG.
It used to irritate me no end when people used to say “ooo so nice, your husband changes your daughter’s diaper so you can rest a bit”. Huh ? Some people make it their mission in life to be idiots I think.
Next time someone says something snarky, just smile imagine them with a “duffer” hat on.
Priya.
Me: I am trying to be more Zen like and not think and say bitchy thoughts. Seriously sometimes I have to remove myself from moronic asses’ conversations.
D is like KBPM’s husband. He gets annoyed even when I ask him if they will be fine without me or what will he and kids eat, etc etc.
Works fine for me even though I call up to ask what have they done and what did they eat and most importantly ( cos I am really fussy about it) if they have tidied up the kitchen/dining after they have eaten. Then I can get back to doing whatever I was doing in my ‘me time’
Me: rofl. I have learnt to accept a messy kitchen/house if I get to do my thing in peace.
You know what? It is ok to give a bitchy answer really. People need to come out of their 19th century mentality and see the light of the day. It is even worse when married Indian women in the US say such moronic things. The kid is both the husband and the wife’s right? So how come when the man takes care of the kid, he is ‘helping’ and when the woman does it theres no mention of it?
Me: oh god, some of the women here. I want to shake their heads and tell them to snap out of it. NK always tells me, if there are happy with their lives, then who am I to get all uptight abt it. Sigh
I can so identify with what you say – though I have just one kid! Everything a mother does – is – oh but she is the mother, right? And if a Dad does something like babysit – the reaction is always – Wow!! He did it , impressive!! I read somewhere how if a woman leaves work at 5 to pick up her child – its almost an offense – but if a man does it – oh my goodness – he is such a lovely dad!!!
Me: Isnt that sad. How much discrimination a working mother faces everyday. If she stays and works late, then she is a neglectful bitch. and if not then she is not interested in working. Sigh.
I got similar reactions when I went to India alone TWO times last year. J sambal lega bachchon ko? Well, why not? They are his kids too, right? If I can, so can he. Then my mom said “J is so nice for letting you come” and “Bechara J. Full time job, phir bachchey” Ticked me off immensely. I was working full time then too. And J was going to Las Vegas for a conference the next month! I handled a full time job and kids too. And COOKING. J never has to cook when I am away because I make arrangements.
Me: I know right, how we *have* to make arrangements to make their lives easier. How come they never do that for us?
heh – like Anjali, I prefer the bitchy comment – said sweetly, with a puzzled look (as in why wouldn’t he be fine? He’s an adult, older than me and presumably sane)
Shuts the asker up very quickly…I use a similar approach to inane comments about “helping” with housework – retort, depending on mood, that it is as much his house as mine, and that he’s as much as adult blah blah….
M
Me:
You and I should be bffs.
You should take a leaf out of Mad Momma’s book and say “he is their father not a sperm donor” This really pisses me off.
Me: have to remember that line. rofl
You see, men, specially Indian ones, have a frikkking halo around their heads! They are to be put on a pedestal and oohed and ahhed over because “their work demands so much” and they “work so hard at their jobs”! People can be such idiots!
It’s got a lot to do with Indian upbringing, I think. In India, boys are waited on hand and foot while girls are taught essential house work
Me: You know what pisses me off the most. Those people who expect their wives to bring their dinner dishes to the sink. OMG.. I get so pissed. Nk does it sometimes and I scream at him that I am not his bai.
Been delurking on your site lately and have to say, love it!
I totally agree with you on this issue. I left my little one at home in US and took my older one to India on a recent trip there. everyone was shocked that I left my little one home. Some even questioned how I was able to enjoy while the little one is with husband.
Me: see reference to people who are morons. Arghh.
Hi Asaan,
i dont remm how i stumbled upon ur blog..but then i did…
and since 1 hr i have been reading up ur posts….
I am 24 going on 25…..very much single…( very much working )
It really doesn matter who gets a hefty pay check or who doesnt ..
what matters is how happy are u doing what ur presently doing…
simple…
u have age on ur side…and many things to do…..it doesnt have to be college….
Me: Waves hello. I had a similar conversation with someone. I think I am pretty content with things right now. Thats the most important thing right?
I still call it babysitting. Mind you, my husband stayed home wiht our first born for 1.5 years and makes better mash potatoes than me. And I do trust him. Our roles in our household are well defined. I am the stay at home goddess, he bring the money. He might not wash their hair or comb it or plaited the way I do it. And he might not colour match their outfits in the morning, or put the right coat on the right child, but then he is not as obsessed with order or doing things a certain way as I am. And the end of the day, he does the job, right?:)
Me: yeah. Does he call it babysitting when you are home with the kids though?
I don’t think you’re selfish at all. I have my free time every week. I chose to go shopping, read a book or watch TV or just go for some jogging or for a morning tea with my friends. I have a different problem. It seems that because I am not out drinking or partying on my free time, it’s not really considered free time. Whatever.
People are retarded.
Me: Yeah seriously.
Seriously I could have written this post. Except insert “3 kids” for the “4 kids”.
Me: Really! hmm
Oh man! Tell me about it. The babysitting comment really gets my goat!
Me:
I so get this because it’s not just around kids. Husbands aren’t expected to be able to take care of themselves either! Frankly if I were a guy I would find this insulting! A grown man not being able to take care of himself or his kids.
Me: I know right! I would be so insulted if I were a man
You have been tagged
http://violet-gauri.blogspot.com/2009/04/around-world-in-80-clicks.html
Me: Am composing it. Will do it in a while
I know… such irritating questions do piss me off completely. Well he is the father, right? I work parttime and his is mostly flexible. I take care that his work calls are not interrupted and his meetings don’t clash with my me-time. Thats it. He handles kids with as much care as I do. And it works pretty well for us.
Ahh the dads always get the sympathies. Moms are taken for granted.
hey, look…a stranger is here
)
so much to catch up!!
it annoys me no end too!!
and both of us have some “alone” time too…
Pup does a lotta work around the house
in fact, he did a lot of chores even when i was a SAHM!
This stereotyping of moms is just so UGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!
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yalu !!!!
yes !
contentment is the most important thing …….
And if ur contended with what ur doing…you have achieved quite a lot then…