I read Kiran’s post this morning and I knew I had to write about it. Actually I had to restrain myself from leaving a blog like comment on her post. Read her post and then come back.
Why do we as moms do this? Why do we compare and try to make ourselves appear superior than the one in front? What is that going to achieve? From the time of pregnancy, oh you are still drinking coffee? to I am trying to go all natural delivery to to well I want to save Mother Earth and not use diapers to I only feed my child hand grown organic yams.
I do not care what you do with your child. Only organic made in Brazil 100% cotton onesies for the love of your life. Sure. Why not.Do what you think is best for him/her and your family. But do not fuck with me and say your way is the ONLY way out there.IT IS NOT! Get over it.
Do not preach how you would never let your 10 month suck on a Cheeto and tell me abt the orange dye that is going to kill his sperm. I dont care. He is my child. I will decide what is right for him. As long as he is growing and healthy, you have no right to make judgements on my parenting skills.
I also do not need explanations. If you are 8 months preggo and have a wine glass, you do not need to quote a study done in France which shows wine late in pregnancy is fine and it didnt interfere with the child’s development. I didnt say anything. I again dont care whether you are drinking or not. You do not have to provide any explanations to me or anyone else for that matter of fact.
If I think its okay to leave my 10 yr old with the kids, while I run inside to pay for gas..again its my call. Do not tell me of a random horror story of the kids who were strapped in and the van caught fire and they all died. What the fuck is that for? To make feel horrible for running inside for all the 3 secs it will take to swipe the credit card. You dont do it. FINE. But why say.. Oh I can never make myself do that. So does that make you a much better parent than I am?
Each family, each situation is different. How can you compare what you have to what my kids are doing. Dont say things, I will NEVER let my child do XYZ when he is infant. Because that will comeback to bite you in the ass.
well said Dear!!
Why do we want to prove to others that we are superior.
If you are really better than me, I will eventually acknowledge it. If I don’t acknowledge it because I am an ass, then enough people will. You don’t have to cry yourself hoarse over it. You don’t have to put me down to prove you are good. “I am this”, “I am that”…will only result in your pompous fool….Don’t do it unless you are applying for a job and I am interviewing you.
Me: Thats a good point. If someone is good as they say, they everyone else around would notice it na?Another good comeback line, Mei XYZ bahut aca se karti hua. Me: Accha aise to sune mei nahi aya hai khabi..Good comeback lines na?
And Kiran’s post….any body would be dumbfounded and caught unawares by such rudeness. But its unacceptable. I hope she gets hold of the woman the next time she sees her and tells her that she uses her free time to study parenting journals and children raised by such smug asses on an average do not do welll in life because they keep assuming they are superior…oh there are 1000 ways of putting that woman down….”Did ur husband quit his job? No? Well, then is this what you are teaching your girl child, that its always the woman…I feel said for her”…Kiran are you listening….you have to get back to her..someway, somehow
. Please do it.
Me: I hope she does.
I meant sad
You know me na. Please correct it
i plead guilty to having said “i’ll never…” and “i could never…” but in my defense it wasnt meant to put down anyone as much as putting myself in that situation and realizing that such and such wasn’t for me. it wasn’t for me. at that time. for that child.
and yea, it is humbling when statements like that come back to bite you!
Me
For some reason, that always bothered me. I just told you I did XYZ, and you are telling me You dont see yourself doing the same XYZ. A perfect example would be telling a working mom that she could never put her child in daycare or put her career first.
you can’t always please everyone and in the end it takes a toll on you as an individual. I’m glad that i’ve learnt the art of listening to myself, and trusting my judgement. its tough tho not to teact to people who are always commenting, esp on your kids.
Me: Thats the best advise. To trust your own judgement.Its so important to believe in your ownself and not let others put you down.
I think its because some women identify themselves as wife and mother so much so that there is no room for anything else. So by questioning their core identity, you are attacking the person not the behavior (or not even asking), you know?
That and the need to be always right and feel superior.
Me: I never thought it as that way. you are very smart LVL
This isn’t restrict to motherhood, you know. It’s the general tendency of humans to poke their noses into the way other people run their lives.
Me: Thats true. I always faced the mothering type questions the most though
So many people do that. I have friends tell me how their baby turned or crawled at 6 months and so and so is not doing right by carrying her baby all the time so much that he doesnt even crawl yet and he is already blah blah months old!
Me:Oh the comparing wala is another thing I hate. My sis faced so many questions because my niece wasnt walking till almost 20 months. I blogged abt this I think
Sunita, this was heartfelt and as you can see, there are enough of us who are nodding along. It happens in every aspect, not just babies as Perakath pointed out.
Ones that I hear often are…
What do you do at home all day? (when I was not working)
I could never leave my child in day-care. (When I am working)
We are so enviromentally conscious that an SUV is a big no-no for us (I drive one)
You have parents/in-laws at home, how lucky, so much help(yeah idiots!)
I would not spend THAT kind of money on a shirt (my one nice shirt!)
Trust me, its much harder with 2 kids(when I had only one)
Trust me, its much harder with a boy(when I have two girls)
I am so constipated that I have shit on my mind all the time. (Wait, the last one I agree)
Me: You know all this time, I have never said trust me its harder when you have 4 kids. I have never said that and I should to shut people up. I love the last line. I am going to remember and use that as a comeback line next time someone pisses me off. ohoho Do you need prune juice or do you always have shit on your mind? Nice na?
As mothers we are all “works in progress”… yeah even the judgemental ones.
I try and tell myself this but dont always succeed. Sometimes I just want to slap someone
Me: I do though.. I normally then curse them under my breath in Hokkien
I want to and been meaning to write a post about this for a while now, but am too caught up at work to write that. I encountered a similar situation not long ago and i guess before i leave for the day will write about it. Sometimes i wonder if we all have become so self absorbed that we talk whatever comes to your mind and not ready to understand other persons POV.
But what you said, very true.
Me: Waiting for your post. i just went and checked . Still not done.:)
Very well said! I guess most people haven’t heard the dictum, ‘live and let live’
Me: Nope. Most havent
If you don’t mind, could I copy and post this entry in my blog?
Quietly, I think we all hold people in judgment from time to time. Some will not open their mouths until all the facts are known while some will be judge and jury and deliberate your sentence openly.
In the end what we do is our business and our business alone. You can have your opinions. All that matters to me is my kids know I love them more than I’ve ever loved anything else when I put them to bed each night.
Me: Aww Joe, that is what matters the most. And also very important that Sue knows it as well.
Yup, that’s me. I copied your post and posted in my blog. I linked the entry to your wordpress.
I’m going to take the knowledge test on Monday (if I don’t chicken out:P) and will let you know as to how it goes.
Thanks!
Me: good luck
PS/ You wrote that you were raised in SPore. Do you know Malay language?
Me:Boleh cakap lah tetapi tak begitu bagus
lol! We all do what works for us. We can have our opinions, but no one else cares for them.
Me: Yes! You know, i dont mind listening to other’s opinions. I have no problems whatsoever. Its when people start forcing their way on another, is what gets my goat.
I find myself not telling people what I do, since I tend to be a far more relaxed parent than most (kids can play outside without me watching, bike to friends’ houses, etc.) But that’s sad, isn’t it?
Me: Its is. I sometimes do the same.
Amen! Bravo! and hugs
I think your 10 year old would be responsible.
I hate it, hate it, when people judge like that >.< I remember reading something on Oprah about how this mom was going on and on about a vaccine giving her kid autism and she was going on and on about how we shouldn't vaccinate our kids for measles and mumps… again, it's her call. But I don't think she should be going on a show and talking about it as if all moms should do that and as if all moms that did vaccinate their kids were losers.
Me: Oh my god.. The vaccination is whole nother can of worms. Seriously, it pisses me off.
Amen.
oh well! there must have been few times when i thought oh! i am this maha-cool mom for X Y Z reasons! but now i dont offer unwarranted and unasked advice! its just not worth it!
and yeah! some people just dont “get” it and keep giving gyaan!
you know there an aunt whom we visit every now and then! now cubby is a fussy eater, so i take cerelac because its easy to feed. every single time she will tell me, but now you can give him khichdi and roti etc! and i keep telling her that i do it at home, but its too much trouble to do it in other peoples homes! and it annoys me to NO end!!! grrrr!
Me: Sigh..its worse when i’s a relative and you have to grin and bear it.
and frankly some parts of it made me laugh! esp growing and feeding organic yams!!
cheers!
I thought it was mostly an Indian affliction,judging people all the way to hell and back. Looks like I was wrong.
What to say, ignore,ignore,ignore.
Me: Everyone judges. Everyone and their dog.
I would NEVER write a post like this :p
*runs like hell as she sees it coming to bite her butt*
Me:
AMEN, homie!!!!!
wut surprizes me though that the same t&d (first commenter), a few weeks ago, defended judging other mothers. how is she in agreement now?
Roopie dear
Hope you already know we have agreed to disagree. Do you really want to drag it further
I think I started out on ur blog saying I disagree with anyone who says I would never do such and such thing.
Dont say it till you have experienced it
We all judge. Like S says here. But keep your judgments to ur own self. Please don’t act morally superior
There are things that I dont understand like why someone would say let their partner treat them like a child but I hesitate from saying its wrong or I’d never coz frankly I don’t know If I would ever have to.
And this one was just an example, not a personal situation coz as far as atay at home and working is concerned, I have been on both sides.
Me: Am not going to get involved in this one. Just approving it.