Conversation this morning was about going to various summers camps and whose kid is doing what camp. I said we are only doing swimming for the girls and the boys will do one week in their preschool. I simply cannot afford $250-$300 per week summer camps. If I put Ashwina in, then Avasha will want to do it as well and I simply dont have $600 lying around to spend on them.
Wednesday at a friends house, we were having a fantastic playgroup. There were 8 kids and no one fought and no one whined. I was telling the other 2 moms about Ashwina’s latest craze, beading(I should show you guys her necklaces and bracelets) and I looked up beading classes and found one class which was $280 for a 4 day -2 hour each day camp. Again I used the words I cannot afford it.
So that got me thinking. I dont hear anyone else saying it. Ever. I say it all the time, whether its for private school or T&C Beaches resort or a $200 Coach handbag. I simply dont have the finances to spend any money on such stuff and I dont mind people letting know I cannot afford them. But I have yet to hear any of my friends say it back.
What about you guys? Do you say it? Do you have a friend who has 5 kids and says it all the time? Do you have someone who says it and then goes out and buys a $200 shoe?
Up until last year, only one of my kids did summer camp and it was a camp that was 4 half-days long. We could never afford anything else, and I did say tell people this when they asked. This year we are doing a few weeks of camp for my oldest, all but one are half days. The 5-year old gets one week of half-day camp. And none of them are $250-300.
Me: I know, when we were in CO.. I did classes through the school district. So it was 1 hour classes but back to back with each class costing $50 ot something so they would be gone for 1/2 the day at $150-$200 for the MONTH!. I miss CO
You know, given the area you live in, maybe people are just richer in general? I don’t know anyone who buys a Coach bag or spends $200 on shoes, and most of the people I know here are either doctors or IT. And we all do public school, as well.
Me : I need to move to UT or TX or someplace else.
I say it Sunita. I have no kids and its just a grad student life. But yes, when friends are buying flight tickets to go to India, and they ask me why I am not going home, I tell them i have no money since all my extra money is spent travelling to my husband who lives in florida.
However, when i was a kid and there was stuff like expensive video games that we could not afford, I was not so open about saying we could not afford them. I just said I had no interest in video games.
I think there’s nothing wrong about saying you cannot afford something.
Those are some wicked expensive camps. Of course they are all expensive these days >.<
I do say it and I do hear my parents say it often. My parents have 5 kids and they use those words a lot. No they don't buy 200 dollar shoes. If I did they would kill me. =D
Me: Okay what no are you in your household? I think if Ashwina bought $200 shoes with her money, I wouldnt care
Well here’s my theory. As long as you’re secure about not being able to afford something ie you do not resent the fact that you can’t afford something you’re ok saying that out loud, to people you know, to strangers..
Me: You know I think it basically boils down to that. How did you get so smart?. I see all those things as luxuries and hence have no problems saying I cannot afford it. Or I say stuff like camping is all the vacay we can afford. It doesnt sting me because its not a big thing to me. I have to see whats a big thing that would hurt …hmm maybe if NK told me we couldnt afford $60(plus another $50 for childcare) per month for the gym. I would then be very upset since I love going to the gym.
But the minute you’re actually upset about it and you feel this is something you deserve and is a right I guess you’re not ok vocalising the fact that you can’t afford it.
Example: Growing up there were a lot of things kids my age took for granted that I couldnt afford..simple things like going out to the movies..and I suppose I had a complex about that and could never be straightforward about it and say no this is not something I can afford. Instead I’d make excuses and manage to escape from the outing.
Me: I have to ask Ashwina abt this. We dont have alot of things her friends have. Wii for example/ Cable tv(but thats because I dont want them watching all the crap)
And now we’re still trying to get a car. Its not like we can’t afford any car, but we can’t afford the car we want. And with that security at the back of my mind, I’m totally cool answering questions as to why we don’t own a car yet, saying simply that we cant afford what we want.
Me: ohohoh what car? what car?
Similarly perhaps summer are a luxury and you’re ok denying the kids that…maybe you won’t feel that way if the question of a more basic need arises…I don’t know….what do you think?
Me: I think you are a very wise person GDS
I think 280 $ for 4 days is too much. Seriously, that comes to like $35 an hour!! I would definately say this is too expensive for me. The most I pay for an activity is $100 for 10 lessons of ballet plus some $60 for all the extra ballet stuff.
I do have friends who don’t miss an opportunity to point out how something is so expensive, but then they spend a lot of money on oter things, things that I would never buy or afford. So while I have a kick ass tv and sofas, I woudln’t spend money to go on expensive abroad holidays. Other people spend money on expensive clothes and holidays, but woudln’t buy a big tv or expensive leather sofas.
And although I only have 2 children, there is no way I would pay £150 a week for a summer camp.
Me: The camps are mostly full days and is geared towards working parents. So I guess if you are a working household, you have no choice but to put your child in one. The bead thing was just insane but it is a speciality bead store so what do I expect right? See people thought we were rich last year when we visited family in Singapore. but we had saved and hadnt gone back in 3 years.
Are you kidding? I say it all the time.
However there are some things… that we will eat beans and rice for months to be able to afford. Those are non negotiable. The Husband and I have talked about our priority list and agree on what must be a part of our kids lives.
Me: Like what things? I need to know!!
So “beans and rice” is on the menu for us everyday
Me: No wine? What abt chai rofl?
And I am totally upfront about it.
Yes I do keep saying I cannot afford that expensive bag, those branded shoes, those shades, that house and that luxury car! But I haven’t heard a lot of people say that!
Me: I know right. Like it’s almost an embarrasment to say that we cannot afford a 50 inch plasma TV.
I don’t say it often … actually if its a good friend I say it. Nothing to hide …
I know a lot of folks in BP’s family who say they cannot afford this and that (they begin most of the conversation around not being able to afford) and end up buying all the stuff under the sun !
Their non-affordability applies only when they need to gift someone.
Me: See that I hate. When you tell me you cannot afford XYZ and then the next minute you are flaunting your $1200 diamond solitaire…
I have no kids and I do it all the time S!
Not that I actually cannot afford all of it, some I can, but it’s just not value for money in my opinion. I have never spent more than $20 on a single item of clothing, bag or shoes. And I’m not ashamed of it either. Back of the mind mein the savings ka bean-counter keeps running all the time!!!
Me: My counter is at a standstill. Its impossible to say with just one money maker and 5 money spending people. Impossible?
(Lately we’ve been spending like crazy on travel however… but we do want to see as much as possible of this country before we have kids or go back, so it’s okay I guess.)
Kids have fun doing the simplest of activities. I don’t see an absolute need for fancy camps as such. Like last Diwali, we were getting a beautiful kandil for $30 in NJ. I could have bought it but I chose to spend 6 hours and $5 and made one at home. It was the funnest Diwali in years for me!!!
Me: Yes sometimes cheaper is better though not always.
I have never heard people around me say ‘I cannot afford it’ however. Some folks say ‘It’s too expensive’ which means the same thing I suppose.
Me: Yeah I dont think anyone I know says it much.
well I have just one kid so far, and there are so many damn things I cannot afford even now. Dubai has amazing sales going on right now, something along the lines of summer surprises. When I say amazing, believe you me, even diamonds are slashed to half their prices get it? I saw things, like solitaires, and all i can say is… I Can’t Afford It!!
Me: Diamonds too huh? I remember when I was in SIngapore, the Great Dubai Sale or something would be advertised and people supposedly flock to buy stuff from there.
if someone asks me i do say it…i think if you are ok with your decision, you don’t mind saying that you cannot afford it.
like here in singapore, both the kids were going for soccer training at kallang, quite expensive and time consuming for us as parents to ferry them to and fro…we don’t have a car.
then the elder one wanted to do cricket coaching at his school too…so basically we told him to decide between the two because it was quite expensive carrying on with two extra activities.
The kids know they can’t have haggendaaz icecream everyday…once in a wee while as a special treat its ok…
sometimes it is not so much about affordability as it is about necessity…
but you know, i find singapore very expensive, compared to india…so i find myself using the ‘too expensive’ line here more often
Me:I found Singapore very very expensive. I couldnt afford Singapore when we were there last year. I dont think I did any shopping. I bought stuff in India.
Carting 2 kids for various activities is no fun, worse still when no car. And how expensiive are parking feess there? I wouldnt be able to survive there.
very interesting topic..
so i was in sesame place (this place is way cheaper than disney). There was a desi family in front of us in the tram / bus/ train (which takes you to the parknig) and they had a 6-7 year old boy and about 10yr old girl, plus mommy, daddy and grandma. so this boy tells mommy tat his friend X and his family went to Miami for the memorial day weekend for a week and they rented a place on the beach. upon hearing this, mommy says, oh is it? how boring, sitting in the beach everyday for one week, look i brought you to sesame place instead, and tomorrow i will take you to chacha’s (uncle’s) house. see how much fun this is. let them get bored in boring Miami while we go to fun places and meet relatives. I dont know the economics in their family, but i would never say that to my son, rather explain him the real reason why we are not taking him to miami.
Me: Hmm interesting the mom did that. I dont know what would I said.
I have no shame admitting “I cannot afford it”, i have no shame admitting that, “i buy stuff when on sale rather when its on full price”. I think its because i am not ashamed of it, we cannot afford everything and everyone does what they can really do, whats the big deal. i have only one child so far, and i never bought a $200 handbag or shoes, i cannot afford it, or so to say my priorities are different, i have a mortgage to pay.
But trust me not everyone can accept it and it takes lot of courage to accept that.
Me: I am very courageous. I say it all the time. Isnt that bad?
I believe that most ppl think that financial security, ie having money is being successful. And saying “I cannot afford it” is akin to admitting failure/defeat.
My handy dandy phrase is “let me think about it”. I try very hard not to say “I can’t afford it” not because I would feel like a failure, but because I believe I am sending the Universe a message. So I add “to day” to it. I might be able to buy it few years from now. Who knows? Do I want to blow $600 on a pair of shoes? I would certainly like to be able to afford it. Buying it or not is secondary.
Me: I had to laugh at the Universe thing. NK is like that. He always tells me not say stuff which could happen. $600 on shoes? A camera I could see but shoes??
I say it all the time and I have gotten so used to saying it that sometimes I say it to get out of things that I don’t want to do.
And I think that I say it so much because when we go to the supermarket Eric is trained to look for sale tags and sometimes is known to say…”mom it’s on sale can we buy it”
Me: Sue, you’re training him well. I said it to Ashwina when she wants to eat out all the time or when she wants a Wii(which technically we could afford but I dont want to buy it)
I use it a lot .. esp when I have to buy clothes for my son. They are soo expensive and he outgrows them so fast. But then, I go and spend that money on buying my own clothes. And I don’t even feel guilty about it
I guess its all about where you see the value. I buy toddler books for him which turn out to be quite expensive, but when I want to buy a book for myself, I think – let me try to get it from the library 
Me: We shouldnt feel guilty abt spending on ourselves. Totally earned it.
oh yes! we do! considering ALL our relatives are earning more than double of what we are, most of the stuff we cant do!
i mean we drive a second hand 800, stay in a locality thats not too expensive and then plsurge money on what we like to do!
Cubby wore (stiull wears) hand me down clothes (in good shape) from en elder cousin and i see no shame in it! i think its a waste buying verry expensive clothes which they grow out of so quickly!
Me:Mine gets recycled as well. Avasha seems to have no problems wearing Ashwina’s clothes and same with the boys.
i used to be someone who loved spending money easily! and M was the exact oppsite! now both of us have come half way and we spend money sensibly! so there is defi no penny pinching, but no maddeningly unnecessaru khracha either!
just this weekend we went to mysore! we could have stayed at 5k per night fancy resort (we can ONCE in a while) or at a 2k per night hotel which was comfy! considering we would have been out most of the time, we opted for 2k hotel and did the entire trip incl petrol in 5k rather than just the stay!
Me:YAY! for saving money. Sometimes you have weigh the benefits. Like this funny incident, when we were travelling from CO to Singapore, because I had 8 pieces of luggage, a friend came to drop us off at the airport. Now you could pay $3 per luggage and do a curb check in or roll all the luggages to the counters inside. Naturally we opted to do the curb side checking. NK’s friend thought we were crazy for spending $20 unneccesarily but to us, it was worth it.
i am saving up the extra to go and do a nice place when my parents are over!
but i have my BIL who whines about paise nahi hai ALL the time, and we see them taking off on weekends and eating out at fancy places so often! and the number of toys and clothes the kid has! its awesome! so that is annoying!
but me, i feel no shame in saying i cant afford something!
cheers!
ps: sorry for that post length comment!
Me:Loved reading it.
I say it all the time and often make the other person feel bad about having spent money on something that I wont spend on (and that is a bad thing. I must stop doing this)
Funny you mention Coach. Ever since they opened an outlet near my house, every woman on the street is a walking advertisement of the C logo. Why would you spend $200 on something that is not even exclusive?
Me: They are fugly bags. My younger sisters love them though.
Believe me, TX is the home of conspicuous consumption! I know of hardly *anyone* in a large circle of acquaintances/friends (We’ve lived here almost 20 years) who doesn’t own pricy purses, hi-end electronics and the like. Desis/non-desis doesn’t matter.
Me: I need to move there.
I state I cannot afford things quite openly among people I am comfortable around, or those whose opinions I don’t care about
But that said, I’ve learnt to tone it down – I think frank statements about affordability tend to make casual bystanders uncomfortable – there’s a double edged judgement in it – one about your own finances (or ability to manage them) and an implied criticism about the finances of the person to whom the statement is made.
Me: You know, I am waiting for someone to say to my face, Then maybe you shouldnt have had 4 kids. I should stop saying it just because people will automatically think that.
As for beads, you can buy beads online much cheaper than the prices in stores – I’ve used stone mountain gems, am sure there are other stores.
M
Me: Oh she has tons of beads. From Joanns, from Micheals. But she wanted to learn new techniques.I will continue searching. I should post her creations. They even beat the origami stuff.
Hey you
Didnt I tell you I cant afford the stuff at my employer even after a 20% discount when u did ur Xmas gift post.
Oh u are talking about ur friends. Oh I get it!
Me: IRL friends.
BTW I cant afford anything designer. I don’t have a single designer label. May be my sunglasses. Marc Jacobs. Does that count? bought them from the employer too
And friends tell me they buy 100 bucks cakes for the kids’ bday parties (the cakes are yummy, I have to admit) and I always say I could have thrown a whole party in that.
Me: Ohoh I have designner sunglasses, which I bought from Pearle Vision when they had a 75% sale, a DNKY and CK or something. The sunglass case is better than the sunglass.Ohh I found a silk Michael Kors blouse from Ross for $19.99 and bought that. That counts na?
@M where in TX? Do you have a blog?
Me: She doesnt blog!Unless its a super secret one
Hmm… I don’t think I say it, but I will say things like, “I can’t justify spending that much money on….” I do have friends who say it all the time, and they’re very frugal. But I have family members who say it and then the next day they buy a new iPhone. That’s annoying.
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where do you live? Used to love beading as a kid and did a ton of it with a very creative mother. Why don’t you get A the beading magazines and learn the techniques together with her. I live in the bay area and if you do too come on over. We’ll have a ble…dy beady party:-)
Loved your post and I think the whole affordability thingie just makes people uncomfy. I used to say it all the time earlier but it always made someone squirm so stopped. Now I just say “Lovely for you but I’m not considering buying it” For e.g. we do not have a TV and that boggles people’s minds like crazy. We used to have a huge one which we felt was taking over our lives so when V came along we chucked it( okay, sold it dirt cheap to some college kids!!)
I come from a middle-class background where we had enough money but not unnecessary luxuries. Books were never questioned (being a Bong family) but clothes @ 2000 bucks were questioned. My parents slogged and slogged hard. We never went w/o the basics and a few etxras but not too many luxuries either. When I was sin college, alot of ppl used to get 3-4 k a month while I got 1500 bucks a month for 3 years and then 2000 bucks therefater and I jolly well made sure I stayed within it. I could plead with my dada for extra money once a year (max twice) but no more. neither did I have any obliging siblings sending me a few extra bucks after the 20th of each month (you youngest one is going to have a ball with 3 elder siblings).
Yet 3 years after working and earning a good salary, I can afford the few luxuries I want. yet I question why. I don’t see myself buying shoes for 5000 bucks much as I love them) and neither do I see myself buyign saris for 70000 bucks (even if they have real gold and swarovskis on it).Arjun buys his lenses after having saved up for it.All his camera lenses cost a bomb but he always saves up for it and then buys it – nothing is nought on credit.
Me: You guys are sensible. You know it was funny , when I was in India and went shopping with NK’s cousins, I was looking at the cheap Rs400-500 sarees and his cousins thought nothing of buying Rs2000 for normal everyday wear. The shop owner, when he heard oh bhabhi Amerika ki hai, started showing 4000-5000 sarees, I said nahi sashti wali dihkoa and he laughed and the rest of the shop wala laughed becase they thought I was throwing big bucks around.
We might go enjoy our one night out every month where we blow up a bomb but we also justify it saying we’r still a DINK couple and we have decided to splurge on ourselves till we have kids cuz we knw the priorities will change drastically then.
Me: Like I said, you guys are sensible!