These past few weeks, I had 2 friends send emails saying they are filing for divorce. I am saddened at how many of my friends are going through this.Friends from India, US and Singapore. Some because they found out that their spouses were cheating on them, one because of physical abuse and another’s reason is so very weird. I still cannot wrap my mind around it.
She said she is tired of him. tired of being married and has fallen out of love of him. Life doesnt hold any excitement for her. Sex is a chore and she cannot stand the sight of him. I asked her, in the email back, Are you having an affair. Did something exciting happen with someone thats why you are saying this? And her reply was no.
She has been married for 2 years and has no kids. Both are very successful in their careers. And it’s a love marriage. They dated for 3-4 years I think and then got married. So why this sudden change of heart? She didnt reply back and I didnt push the issue. I changed the topic and asked her the logistics of filing for divorce and she was filling me in about attorney fees and such.
Is that reason enough to file for divorce? Marriage is hard work. It doesnt work out the way you see in the movies or books. The same habits that you use to think was adorable would make you so mad(hello socks and shoes under the dining table).The towel left on the bed, either you pick it up after him or throw it on his side of the bed. Men do things on purpose to annoy wives. I have had many fights with NK over his socks.. So I started cutting one 1 sock of each pair or I would throw it away in the trash. Just one sock. I didnt say anything to him about putting it away and had my revenge. Eventually he wisened up and started putting them in the laundry basket. But I avoided fights and my marriage was happy. I am evil that way.
And the sex(dad if you reading this close the browser)… One has to work at it. When once a touch was enough, after 12 years of marriage and 4 kids… things have to ahhmm improvised. I once asked my desi friends how many times a week did they dtd(do the deed) . They laughed at me and said a week, ask how many times a month(ek hafta, ek mahine ki baath karo)
NK and I fight. We argue and scream and shout alot.He annoys me with the many things he does. He over-reacts to stuff many times and doesn think before he talks. I’m sure he hates alot of things about me(what things I wouldntknow since I am like the perfect wife, I never say NO to sex!) But I cannot imagine a life without him. I cannot imagine saying that I am bored of him. Plus he wouldnt be able to afford child support for 4 kids, so we have to stay married.
It’s sad when a couple falls out of love, but I think it’s the least honorable thing to do when it happens. No point burdening each other. Kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for.
Me: this couple dont have have kids. The others do.
that said, once a month? Really? O boy.
Me: A month.. no a week
It truly is disheartening when this happens! Put two people in an equation and it can’t continue without compromises. People need to figure out that’s the only way the relationship will stay positive and happy.
Cheating on the spouse on the other hand is a whole different story altogether..
Me: I dont know what would I do if I found out Nk was cheating on me? A one night affair? A long standing office romance..what would I do if I found out?
Started out cutting one pair of sock…evil
! I am sure that taught him his lesson 
. You are a classic!
Me: I am evil.
what?
You are not telling us?
how many times do you dtd?
well actually ur question answers it, doesn’t it?
And THAT I think is the key.
I have concluded after reading 3 marriage posts in a row.
What you ask in a five minute meeting may or may not be important/true/valid after 5 years. Whether you have separate passions or love the same things, there is still no guarantee you will be married in 10 years, but dtd every week, with (If I may add) improvisations, success is guaranteed
Me:Yes weekly sex is the key.
you said it asaaan.
Me: What did I say?
Totally agree with rads. I have a similar situation extremely close to home but no one is listening to me
You got to believe that kids are way stronger and adapt better than we give them credit for. That said I tease the OH that considering he doesn’t have a clue of his own finances he better take good care of me else he could really hurt 
Me:
You know, I used to feel one way about this, and now I feel differently.
I used to believe marriage was about love and commitment, and that over time the love may no longer be about romance but dedication and nurturing and friendship.
After 12 years and 3 kids, I say to hell with commitment. If there comes a time when I no longer feel romantic love toward my husband, I can’t imagine being with him. I don’t need flowers and chocolate. But I need hand holding and tenderness and yes, I need sex. And I don’t care how old we are. If the romance leaves I won’t be far behind.
Me:Hmm, I understand about the handholding and the tenderness bit. What I fail to understand is how does one fall out love with someone they were crazy about 2 years ago? Does that mean they were on the their best behaviour before marriage? That they didnt share thoughts before getting married? I still dont get I am not in love with you bit if there is no 3rd person involved?
Maybe because she wasn’t really in love with him in the first place? Cos’ if she was, I doubt it would’ve been so easy to simply “fall out of love” with her husband.
Well, I am with you. I don’t understand this concept either.
But whatever rocks their boat!
LOL @ cutting ONE sock. That is sheer genius.
How does one fall out of love? You have to take that love and cultivate that. If you want romance both of you are going to have…. call me an idealist, but I wonder. It’s sad hearing about divorces. I just recently heard of a woman who married her husband for love. 16 years later, he’s abusive, calling her names, and she’s leaving him. It’s just… sad.
lol about the socks…
i know what you mean…i think people give up way too easily on other people. also marriage atleast to my friends(mostly unmarried or married for less than a year) seems like some magical exciting place where they all are going to be perfect. i dont have the heart to shatter their dreams but am making my shoulders stronger for them to cry on (which to me looks inevitable)
Sad…maybe there’s things she’s not telling you. Hearing about such things always makes us introspect about our own ‘arrangements’ and compromises doesn’t it?! “Could it happen to me?” Maybe what the guy needs is a nice kick to make him realise what he’s losing!
I can get the “I don’t love you if there is no third person”! You don’t have to fall in love with a 3rd person to fall OUT of love with the second one:)
Me: See I feel if she was sharing her feelings with a 3rd person, albeit innocently, it might lead to resentment towards her own spouse. Does that make sense? And yes, I think she isnt comfortable sharing things with me and I dont have the whole story. Plus she is in Singapore. and we lost touch and found each other through FB and its not like she is going to pour her heart out to me.
no comments as still single. LOL @the last sentence.
If she was seeing him for 3-4 yrs and then married for 2 yrs, then I guess they’ve had the same lifestyle for last 6 years. I’m not surprised they started getting bored of each other. Somehow, I feel that if they had a kid, things would have been different. More so because it unfolds those aspects of your spouse’s personality which you are unaware of till then. Doesn’t our heart flutter when our husbands rock the kids to sleep? And don’t we in love with them again when they let you take rest and take over the cooking and feeding dinner for kids? I guess I am talking like a grandmom
, but I think instead of having a divrorce she should have a kid.
Me: Hmm I dont know whether throwing a baby in the mix would matter in this case. She has already made up her mind and she started the paperwork.
I so agree with you, marriage needs work, and commitment all the way. There is a reason the vow says “Till Death Do Us Part”. I believe marriage is a really big commitment, and one cannot fall out of it on a whim. Which couple does not end up hating each other’s guts once in a while, but we get over it too, don’t we? Weekly sex works!! Probably should send the advice across to your friends.
I agree w/ u on so many counts- respect, sex, respect go a long way. Also being committed to your commitment I guess.
Fighting, yelling, screaming, door slamming are so common! That’s no reason to leave.
Although no telling what happens behind closed doors. My theory is -There are so many layers in a relationship- what the world sees, what the couple does and husband’s/wife’s/partner’s interpretation of what happened. Soooo really, NO telling!
Me: I know! I think she is not telling somethings, plus she is so far away. Its not like I can observe it. I still feel either one of them is having an affair, my friend doesnt want to admit it to me.
I cannot imagine my life without Tristan. We’ve been married for only 14 months though at times it feels like we’ve known each other for years and years!
NK sounds just like me. I annoy my husband often (on purpose) and boy, do I over-react! Call me a drama queen:P And I don’t think before I say a thing. I just say whatever I want to say. Oh, I also have the tendency to raise my voice at him. Sometimes I sort of yell.
And you know what Tris does? When I get mad with him (for some foolish reasons) he’d sit beside me and talk to me. Gently. He wants to know what’s bothering me. After a minute or two, I would feel “why the heck did I scold him…” If I’m sad, he’d stop whatever he is doing; he’d come and comfort me. If I yell at him, he’d just talk in normal tone. He never yells back. Oh, I also like to provoke him at times. And the reason? Because he doesn’t yell or scold me. Therefore I provoke. But he is always cool and calm.
I know I sound so silly and childish but I also know that I love my husband very much. He’s my best friend…and getting tired of my other-half? NO WAY!! I mean, how could I, when he teases me 24/7? I love it when he teases me!
I am truly a lucky woman to have Tris as my husband and (most importantly) a best friend. At times I feel like I don’t deserve him (he feels the same way about me too, silly guy:P)
Me: Aww you guys are newly married lovebirds. I think having your dh as a best friend is one of the keys in a successful marriage as well.
yup! marriage is a LOT of hardwork and the point is to make this work fun, innit?!
and i also think lot of us have unreal expectation about romance and marriage. plus media’s constant bombardment aka bullshit about what a rocking marriage is all about and how ideal romantic partner is just adds fuel to the fire.
Me: not to mention all the happily ever after movies, where there are no fighting and its all hugs and kisses. Blah!
i mean for some maybe burning the sheets once a month is enough but everyone else will tell you how your shaadi is becoming thanda if you do that. my point is unless you feel something is lacking to hell with what others have to say.
Me: Ohh burning the sheets, I like that phrase.
i think its very important to find out what matters to you in a relationship, to appreciate that as much as you point out the deficiencies and then there is no reason for you to fall outta love just like that.
and having fights i think is a sign of normalcy in a relationship!
and yup, may NK and you live happily eva after! :p
cheers!
I totally get the sex part.. We ask our friends and they are shocked and say “WEEKLY?!? How do you manage to work the next day”.. The DH and I are now convinced we are doing this whole thing wrong
Me: Nope the rest of the world is crazy. I have been told the same. How do I have energy the next day. I always smile and say, 5-6 min ka hi to khaam hai.
As for the falling out of love, I get that from my colleagues a lot of times.. A friend of mine, a month after her marriage, would sms her husband every silly little thing she did.. Now, after a year, when her phone rings and her hubby’s name flashes on the screen, she groans and says “what the hell does this man want?”..
Me: thats sad! After a year she is like that, imagine the later years
i no longer believe love is about romance or sex. it is caring. giving. and at the end of it all, simple togetherness. what a marraige needs at the core is caring and tolerance. all else can be managed.
my two bits. if everyone was looking for romance, i wonder how many, if any would be married.
Me: Its the holding the hair back while you are throwin up that is sexy. Its the cutting your toenails because your preggo belly is in the way that is romantic.
I don’t understand this.. As you say, marriage is hard work.. and everything is not alright – all the time. Surely, it can be worked out – if there are no other issues like abuse or infidelity.
I think every marriage has it’s ups and downs and we have to try out everything before deciding to opt out because it is ‘boring’..
Me: Right! I still feel there is some underlying issue which she is not comfortable sharing.
I believe that people can never fall out of love. Love is constant and it’s always there. But of course, any pure and divine love needs some rejuvenation, in any form. Otherwise it’s boring. Good news is, between any couple, there will be SOMETHING that would make sense. We just have to be patient enough to find that something.
I also believe that sex is one of the rejuvenation ideas. Exactly how much difference it could make, depends on couple to couple and also between couples. For some, sex might be all that it required where as for some, that might be the last thing required.
Me: Mine’s apparently sex and food in that order.
If nothing makes sense, then divorce is ok, but I personally believe that couples should give their marriage a last chance before filing a divorce, even if it requires getting third person’s help, like a professional consultant…
Me: You know seeing a counsellor is so helpful. but not everyone is open to that idea.
Your last line made me laugh. u are so funny!
The last line of your post cracked me up. I actually searched for a link to the rest of the article…
that’s a great idea, the cutting up one sock stuff…that’s smart, not evil!
Marraige is hard. And a lot of work. This is coming from someone who had a “love” marraige and a dramatic wedding after 10 years of dating! I get mad with him to the point that I don’t think I can stand the sight of him, but in a few hours I melt down. I don’t think the love ever dies, but I do think with kids, in-laws and everone else getting into a couple’s life, it is easy to get overwhelmed with issues and forget the love, the romance, the sweet talk.
Me: Yes the daily mundane of things. Especially money issues, I feel overhwhelms a marriage very easily.
It is so sad Sunita. I and S married after we fell in love and I dont understand how you cannot love the person anymore after a few years! Although its only been 3 years, the place brigthens up for me when he is around!
Me: Aww thats so sweet
And sex once a month? Jeez whats the world come to?
Me: Its apparently more common than you think. Especially with couples with kids. We are considered freaks.
Ah ! I love the last line!
That’s what makes the most sense ! 
Just kidding…. I could not resist but write a whole post on this.. Please do read and gimme your feedback/comments.
very well written post, and about cutting the socks, i do the same..leave his laundry in the machine and monday morning he is looking for underwear and shirts
Me: I do that as well.
The description of the header reminded me what I have been meaning to tell you for a very long tome. Your pictures- with and without kids are totally different. You have so much warmth, glow and affection on your face when you are with one of the kids that no matter how hot you look in the single ones, for me the ones with the kids win hands down in terms of how beautiful you look. Always!
Me: Aww thanks. I think the kids make me look good.
Me and the hubby had a terrible sky-falling-on-the-head type of fight recently and he screamed divorce to my face..spent entire night staying up looking for attorneys while I lay in the bed emotionless.Next day was hell too and he said he was going to meet an attorney. My ego did not permit me to stop him..rather told him ‘Don’t act so silly..it’s not a game to just break the marriage and walk off!’. There was no sorry coming from either sides..while the heads and heart hurt bad.
Me: I have had those kinds of fight as well. We didnt talk for 2 days before either he gives in or I. I however never researched attorneys though.
Rest of the things are hazy now..but by late evening we were hugging each other tight and kissing while swearing not to behave so bad with each other ever again.
Something came alive that day..and thankfully remains to live between us since then.
Feels good to fall back in love
[Psst: Totally with you guys on the sex part.Those that dtd once a month are freaks..not you..not at all!]
Me: pss isnt make-up sex the best? My other favourite is the getting re-united after being away sex. Its all about the sex.
awww that’s sad…falling out of love isn’t that easy when you have really loved a person enough to get married to him/her. But there could be so many other factors ( family interference, work committments, abuse etc ) that she might be thinking that its not worth going through, I can understand if that can become tiring and thats what your friend could be referring to.
Me:Yes.. I still think there’s more to the story that meets the eye. But we all agree marriage is hard work and not a bed of roses.
Its sad whenever relationships break.
but then I think its wisert o end things than stretch them.
yes one has to work at it, but if one loses the will to do so, there’s no point being in that relationship no?
Don’t know…its just sad though
You said it sistah – it’s sex all the way. When I said that however on some post, a lot of folks called me regressive
Whatever.
Oh and most important tip for happy marriages. Do not, I repeat Do not open your mouth when you are PMS-ing. Have realized this very very late that the bad feelings I have during that time are transient, however the abusive words spoken by me (oh yes!) are permanent.
So these days I mark the PMS days, send myself reminders via cell phone and when he begins to irritate me more than usual, I just up and leave the room. Or space out and think of something funny.
Me:rofl.Nk asks me is that time of the month? And I apologise later for the crap I give him at times.
Sunita, its not hard for me to believe that people can fall out of love. i’m a freak that way. in such a situation, would you still expect someone to drag on because they said they would ?
Me: No. But its just so sad.
someone close to me went through this, and all i can say is that i hope this girl knows what she’s getting into because divorced life is not easy.
but then divorce is a sad business altogether.
Me: It is. And I feel for my friends who are going through this.Especially those who have kids.
that said, once a week woman ? suddenly i feel very sorry for myself
Priya.
I just loved this post of yours , though i am not married , i totally agree with you on the fact of making a marriage work ..in fact be it any relationship..
Me:waves hello.
I really admire your attitude , despite 4 kids , 12 yrs into marriage and you still keep ur sex life active .
May be you should give guest lectures to all young women in the corporate world on ” family , relationships, kids and career ”
Me: ah But I dont have career. So no lectures there.:)
I’m late to this post but wanted to weigh in anyway. I think the trick is to take marriage seriously in the first place. You both have to believe your vow. Otherwise, if the shit hits the fan then either of you can bail. If your vow means something then you know you are stuck together forever so you’d damned well better work out your problems. What’s the point of working through the hard stuff if there’s no future for you together? Gotta mean what you say at the altar.
Me: Thats true as well. if one party keeps saying screw it and its easier to call it quits, then you’ve already lost the battle
Agree that frequent sex is what keeps a marriage together.
Me:
It’s possible that they felt that they thought they were in love. That they wanted so badly to be in love, that they mistook what they felt as love? I don’t really know.
Okay this reminded me of something else. I read somewhere that the ratio of fun-fights in successful marriages is 5:1. That is the minimum that is required. Timeseries, psychological research by Gottman institute showed that the couples who seem to be always fighting, versus couples who fight now and then, versus couples who never fight, if you ignore the fun part, there is no pattern on who breaks up. But when you notice closely, even the couples who fight a lot can stay together if the ratio of fun that they have and the fights that they have is 5:1.
So the ones who are doing it once a month, can only fight once in 5 months. You however can fight once in 5 weeks and still have a stable marriage without the sky falling on you
Me: Good to know that. I think we fight once a week…