I was talking to my newly married sister about this. How they have the sickening habit and despite all these years(at least for me) he hasnt changed.
What am I talking about? The fact that after eating his meal, NK MOSTLY forgets to bring his plate to the sink. We have been married 13 years and this is something I have given up hope on. If he leaves it on the table and he is still home, I would scream from the kitchen, saying Tumara Chotu nahi hai yaha per(your servant is not here). He then comes and brings it to the sink. Sometimes though he comes home for lunch(rarely but sometimes he does) and I see the plate on the table. I throw it in the sink and then call him up and scream at him.
My sis realized that her spouse is the same way. Its something they have been doing since young. My other bil doesnt do it(why I dont know) but I have seen a lot of my other desi friend’s spouses doing it as well.
After all these years, I have given up hope of changing him. My sister claims she is going to try.
What about you guys? Does your spouse do it? What about when you are in India? I realize it gets worse when we are there. When we invited at a relatives place, and those people say, Nahi beta chor do plate, and he does. I want to him kick hard. I wonder what will happen if I leave my plate. Am I considered rude? Badtameez, foreign ki bahu(rude,foreign dil) but if the male does it, then its fine. Next time I am going to see what happens when I leave my plate.
Hmm..I guess I am lucky that mine doesn’t. But back home in India, we always took our plates to the sink when we were done with them. I haven’t lived at Husband’s parents home long enough to observe the behavior..may be I will do it next time!!
Me:I dont know what it is. Does it have to do with the city(smaller town–equals plate left on table and vice versa) or the family or what? I like your email id. Funny!
thanks to middle class ness and lack of chotu in house, neither of us grew up leaving our plates behind. in my house the rule was you wash your plate yourself, in his house it was a bit more flexible, although they all took turns to ultimately wash everything themselves (rarely had a maid). but what drives me up the wall is when its put in the sink but not rinsed or even water not poured on it. that makes me see red. i mean, i know i am not a most clean-freak type person but i hate to see dried up stuff in the sink. and no, screaming at them hardly helps. i have given up and only take sideways pot shots at it when i am really irritated.
Well my hubby always puts his plate in the sink. He not only puts his but offers to put mine too if I am done and just about to get up. I am pretty sure you are just about thinking how lucky I am …. STOP, right there … coz they are all the same and prove so in one department or another. So my pet peeve is – he NEVER makes the bed if he is the last one to wake up!!!!! and I get SO mad. SO MAD. How difficult is it to pull the damn sheets and make it look decent for you to come slump your body into after a long hard day? I am not saying make a bed with fitted sheets and flower petals!! I have given up..10 yrs and given up.
Oh they will paint you in complete black if you leave your plate. You are supposed to take your own, as well as NKs!! hahahaha. Mine fortunately takes his plate, even washes it, if the rest of the utensils have already been washed, but sometimes his bottles of sauce n stuff, stay on the table. You see he has a lot of extras with his meal, and he makes the trip to the kitchen sink just once.
My my..this could easily be a scene from our house. Yep he leaves it, I scream, he brings it to sink. Got sick of it and recently made a new rule, if I cook..he cleans and viceversa otherwise I will stop cooking and he will have to cook while I wil be more than happy to clean
Same with visits to India. I will try that too…leaving my plate and watch the reaction !
oh well mine does… every single time and if we are finishing together he takes away mine too
he says all through his childhood he was taught to keep in the sink and also rinse it.
In my house (back in my parents who strange I still call it my house) dad also always keeps it back.
but I know what u mean I have seen this happening a lot around in India. It actually depends on how we have been brought up.
My husband always brings the plate to the kitchen. He even does the dishes very often. If he sees pots piled up in the sink while im cooking he’ll start washing them.
But I know what u mean as Ive seen my guy cousins not do this. Their mothers have not taught them right – they baby them- serve them- and do it all cos it isnt mens work – so the guys dont learn. Plus they see what their dad did when they were growing up and subcontiously mirror that behaviour.
I’m sure your sons will be well trained husbands in the future
Me: my future dils better worship me.
mine will bring it to the sink and even rinse it, BUT what drives me nuts is then its left there and right next to the sink is a dishwasher it could get popped right into. I get it if the dishwasher is full or full of clean dishes but it drives me insane if its empty and he doesnt just pop it in.
I guess I got lucky here..My husband not only carries it to the sink, he also washes his own plate and glass everyday..and sometimes when he doesn’t, he makes it a point that he’ll wash it first thing tomorrow morning..of course, I would never leave a dirty plate in my sink overnight, so I cut him some slack and wash it myself…he is allowed to be lazy once in a while but not every day.
I think it is just the family. Bcos, mine does it, and my FIL does it. They will not let anyone touch their plate even in India. So it depends on how they were brought up I think!
Mine does not do it !! He takes the plate to the sink and washes it too and I do the same. In fact , Som’s mom had taught him to do it right from his childhood. On the other hand, I had the habit of leaving my plate where In had eaten and my mom or the bai would pick it up later. As a south indian I had the habit of washing my hand in the plate after a meal. I got rid of that as I grew up coz it disgusted me.
Me: So you changed. Is there hope for Nk then?
I changed after I grew up.. Does NK still have some “growing up” to do ??
Me: Obviously he has a lot of growing up to do.
IMO it depends on the family and how they were brought up makes men leave or take their plates to the kitchen sink.
my hubby takes his plate to the sink , whether he is at home , at my in laws or my parents place . the only time he leaves his plate on the table is when he is specifically told so .
btw, we live in India.my hubby grew up in a small town & my brother( & me) ,who takes his plate to the sink too, was brought up in cities , so your though on “smaller town–equals plate left on table and vice versa” doesnt work out in our case.
Me: Hmm… I need to research this further. So far everyone who responded said their spouses take the plates and not only that,wash their plates.
well…my husband will always offer to take my plate too if i am done when he is…and he does so at his place too…One thing which i have been trying unsuccessfully is to get him to make the bed…i am doing too many things in the morning to include this and it just doesn’t matter to him,…grrrrrrrrr
Me: You are the 2nd,3rd commenter about the beds. You are not alone.
oh i just saw “just another reader” had the same crib…ok so i hv another one…we have a clothes bin for putting unwashed clothes into and he somehow always put his clothes on top of the lid…!!! he can’t seem to open it and dump his clothes in…How strange!
mine never did the bed but now after many many years, I see him do it once in a while. So hang in there, it might just sink in one day
Well so my husband does pick up his own stuff, though sometimes it will sit out until the next day before he remembers. But he didn’t grow up doing it, which shows. Sometimes the stuff reaches the kitchen counter and doesn’t make it the last few inches to the sink/dishwasher which drives me crazy. He does try to remember to rinse it and put it in the dishwasher so I try to ignore the times it doesn’t and control my irritation. The older generation in his family is a different story completely, so I see where it comes from. It must be to do with having full time servants around. We had a maid who washed dishes but she only came once a day so expecting her to clear the table after every meal was not an option. Have you tried just leaving the stuff on the table until the next meal? I can only do this if it’s dinner and I’m going to bed immediately after.
My husband is not Indian, but he doesn’t have the plate-in-sink habit, either. Perhaps it’s the mothers not requiring them to help that makes them leave their dishes, expecting a fairy to clean and put them away? I don’t know. My son is learning to bring me his dishes after a meal. Hopefully I’m raising a man who will take his plate in. Or maybe he’ll take after his dad and his wife will think I never taught him to pick up after himself!
Me: My boys do it as well. Sometimes, they bring their snack out front and leave it on the coffee table but I always make them bring it to the sink/kitchen.
that can get so irritating, the relative bit…
but here, everyone takes theri own plates…the dinner washing is done by the hubby (he does afb job) and i get my kids to wash their plate at least…i’m trying to make it a habit
Hi S,
Mine washes the plate by himself……..but then has has this nasty habit of eating while watching TV and he is soooo engrossed with what he is watching, that the plate will be in his hand until the episode or the program gets over……and after one nasty look from me, he will get up to clean it……….men…..
mine takes his in. mostly mine too. ofcos he still doesnt figure out the thing about least putting water and keeping em if not rinsing them. so i do that when i go to clear the kitchen.
yes, i think it has to with how much pampering they got from their moms!
cheers!
Mine doesn’t take his plate, cannot make the bed and leaves his wet towel around too. Sigh, I’m in the Hell of Domesticity.
Sure, the MIL encourages leaving it on the table and I cannot, for the life of me, fathom why you would want to do that. But he also SEES that I put mine away EVERY SINGLE TIME and hate it when he doesn’t. A large part of it is how you’re brought up but a large part of it is how perceptive you are, no?
I think I’m going to have to embrark on a lifetime of imparting training, asap
Oh this is so common that I’v stopped noticing it. I dont expect him to make his bed but I always yell at him for throwing his clothes all over the bedroom. Urgghhhh I so hate it when i get in room and a tornado seems to have hit it!
*big smirk* we’re training our kids so they do the clearing up-one sets the table for the major meal we have together and the other clears up,puts all the stuff in the sink and runs water on it so that our helper has an easier time in the morning when she comes in!My daughter says that this chore helps her relax and she does a wonderful job of putting away the leftovers,AND wiping the nook clean…wonder if it will last till she has her own family.If kids and helper are not around,hubby is a neat/cleanliness freak bordering on OCD so he does his stuff..I’m spoilt aren’t I??:D
Oh, in India men are not supposed to do any cleaning! And that tendancy aggravates if his parents/relatives are around. First its the mother and then the wifey who is supposed to clean up their mess. I’ve been yelling for 7 years too. He does it when asked to, but just doesn’t come naturally to him. Sometimes, its so exhausting! And make the bed – Well when he does it, its just leave the bed as it is and put a bed cover on top of it!
Mine takes my plate to the sink too but he leaves his wet towel on the bed and that makes me MAD MAD MAD!
Ditto! And very conveniently on my side of the bed. But this habit suddenly disappeared when we bought an expensive bed of his choice. Hmmm.
Mine does take the plate and washes. Yeah he doesn’t make the bed. I haven’t seen anyone in our friends circle leave the plate in the table.
K.
The wet towel lying on the floor …. it never bothers him …. and I am still trying hard.
Me: Mine leaves it on the bed. Worse!
I guess I lucked out there. The OH not only takes his plate to the sink but washes all the dishes in there as well be it last thing in the night of first thing in the morning. Even back home we all take our plates back to the sink at both mom and mil’s house. Like kenny I see red when the kids throw their plates in the sink and don’t rinse them. But yelling at the kids work
Mine does take the plate to sink but nope no water or rinsing. Which I HATE! so the screaming starts right there. I go on and on till he comes and hurriedly rinses all the dishes:-)
And my pet peeve- the same as the other two ladies- no making of bed after waking up. The worst part is, when I tell my son to make his, he tells me “I don’t have to do it, coz Daddy doesn’t!!!”
My husband takes his plates to the sink when we’re finished with meals except he leaves the napkins on the plate. So if I start to run water and don’t notice the napkin, I’ve got to carry a soaking wet napkin over to the trash! So hubby does take care of his dirty dishes, but he doesn’t put away the condiments he uses. I asked him why he never puts it away, and he said “Because I know that you will take care of it.” So one day I didn’t put away the milk that HE USED for his breakfast cereal. And of course, we both left the house for work, I returned 10 hours later and the milk was still sitting out. Ugh!!!
I have decided its an Indian thing and am trying hard to make peace with it.
Me: You know its funny. I get from some my friends, that because I didnt grow up in India. I dont understand XYZ, be it the crazy divide between North/South Indians or some tv show or some silly language thing.
Mine doesnt get it to the sink either. He doesnt do the bed until I tell him to. Throws shoes away sometimes when the shoe rack is right there at the door. The towel is on the bed making for a coool bed on a friggin’ wintery night….you name it, I have it.
But he surprises me sometimes with doing all this and more and I make it a point to appreciate and tell him how happy it makes me; in the hope that he will continue to do it. But something that I have also made peace with is to NOT expect it again in the next 1year or so!
It gets even worse when we’re in India cos the MIL wants her son to leave everything there and she will dutifully pick it up without complaining. So I know where its coming from. And after 30yrs of having done that, for it to change in 3 years of married life is a non-sensical expectation too!
Yes, I’m majjjjjjorly pissed with G today and I hope its showing!
Me: dont make chai when he comes back home. Thats how I extract my revenge. rofl
Lol snippets at the MIL piece…i have the same issue…my husband becomes a 2 brat when his mom is aroound!
Mine takes his to the sink, and washes it – plus any stray dishes that are in the sink then. Father, brother, BIL, FIL all the same way – definitely a function of upbringing, but in India, there are occasions where they’re asked not to take their plates (or more usually, the banana leaf) and then it is left to be cleaned by some women – these are usually during religious ceremonies, so it doesn’t bother me…FIL grew up in a large orthodox family in S.India, where none of the eaters removed their leaves – servants did that and cleaned the place for the next set of eaters, but adjusted to doing his own work as soon as he moved out of his parents’ house (to work in another city).
Mine does.. much to his mom’s surprise!
And awwesome header!
Hi Sraikh.
I think it’s nice that you wrote about this; I was going to once-upon-a-time but never got around to writing it. It used to drive me mad at one point.
In our house, my hubby is unpredictable: sometimes he picks up after himself, sometimes he doesn’t. It all depends on how dirty the rest of the house is at the time; like if it’s spotless, he picks up his plate. If it’s not, his attitude is: what harm is another bit of mess gonna do, like?
Back home, under the watchful eyes of his mother, he takes care *never* to pick up his plate. Honest to God, this fact cracks me up more than anything else in the world.
Basically, as wives, we have a number of approaches:
-Ignore and give up
-Remind each time till he learns his lesson
-Remind each time even though you know he will never learn
I’ve chosen option no 3; to remind every time – in a non-naggy tone of voice – and I realize he does pick up after himself. The only times that I let him go are the times that I know he’s so exhausted after work that he can’t really think straight.
Me: Hey..its been a long long time.. How are you? I have employed all 3 at times, though I scream and shout most of the time. I am not zen like you are.
I also use all kinds of arguments in my lifelong crusade to convert him from a slob to a cleaning-freak; my strongest and most successful argument so far has been this one : how are the kids going to learn good habits if you and I have lousy habits?
he does everytime
Sometimes I offer to take it. But hey I have 12-13 hour days…