Now that the kids are older and all of them shout Mummy/Mama out loud, I dont get the “Are they all yours” question anymore. People know they are mine.
Now , I get asked different questions. Like howmany different schools I drive to to get them. Or whether I work outside and then the person asking me the question themselves will answer, with Oh but how could you, with that many kids.
I get asked, how I am going to afford college for all of them?
Everyone assumes I cannot have any pets because I am too busy with the 4 of them
Or we must be really rich to afford 4 kids
Or that we must be really poor because we have 4 kids.
You know when I was preggo with Samar, my fil was very much against us having a 4th. In one of his letters, he had written that he didnt want us(meaning Nk and I) to go through what he went through when he had his 4th child. I didnt understand back then and was very upset with him. But now, I do,even though he was in India..he must have faced something similar to make him write that.
So I was asked the how we are going to afford college 4 times in the past 2 weeks.
To a friend—My kids are brilliant and will get scholarships
To a stranger– How is that any of your concern?
To another friend–Why, are you offering to pay?
To another random person(which was just yesterday)–I pretended not to hear the question and she repeated it.. I just smiled because I was in a good mood.
You just need to pay for the first. Then she will pay for your 2nd and so on
Just joking, seriously is it anybody’s business? For all you know you have a great artist or musician or cook and they would prefer to follow their vocation rather than go to college.
We haven’t saved anything for college yet. I think about it sometimes but well, we have other needs now.
Me: right? The youngest wants to be a mailman btw..
Move to Australia!! We have interest free student loans. My parents didn’t have to pay a cent. I worked part-time to pay for my transport and books. Now at the end of 3 University degrees I have a huge debt but don’t have to start paying it off till I earn more the 50k a year and I have my whole life to pay it off. Plus degrees cost so much less. Did I mention earlier that we have FREE healthcare? ohhh and the Government gives you $5000 when you have a baby…AND pays 50% of your yearly childcare costs AND gives you $150 a fortnight per child for essentials.
We pay 40%tax but by gosssh I love it here!
COME!!!
Me: Australia huh? At one point of time, (when Neil was ababy) Nk had a ob offer in Sydney. We then ran around getting the visa papers ready and then at last minute,there was a screw up. So it wasnt meant to be…so many Singaporeans settle there though…Sigh
You are one smart cookie…. but you know that already right?
My manager had his 4th baby recently and you should have seen the jokes fly in office( and it didn’t help that he was a manager either).Yeah and the expenses part was also discussed. All I could think of was how was the mother managing??(their third child is a couple of months younger than my 22 month old son and here I am struggling with one little toddler)
Hats off to her! and to you too
M:
Abt the managing part, you know how when you had a life before child(BC), you wonder how does the mum manage to know her child is hungry/awake/crying and you think you would never be able to become that mum. And you do. You know..so likewise when you have your 4th(or 2nd or 10th), you somehow reach deep down and find it and manage.. Also drinking helps or medication..kidding.
Maybe you should print a t-shirt to wear when ur running errands with the kids.
It should read:
SHUT THE F**K UP!
Me: hahaha.. The kids would start saying that around the house.
I never quite understand this question here in US, where it is quite common among americans to have atleast 3 kids. Infact, an american friend of mine at school used to wonder how we indians could just have one sibling, wont it be boring, he would ask?
are these indians who ask this?
Me: Actually its the non-desis who have asked me this. Me being in the bay area where people dont really have kids…let alone 4.
sigh! is it REALLY anyone’s business?
and the people who ask such Qs or even offer to help are the last ones who do!
i remember an uncle telling my brother that if he gets adnission in a good college in the US he will fund his education. i am sure thats where the germ went into my bros head coz we defi cudnt afford it!
when he did get admission etc and my parents were running helterskelter to get everything in place this man gave the LOWEST help amongst everyone we knew!
my bro went on to do well and has already paid off 80% of his loan in his first year at work!
so just screw such people! aholes!
Me: Oh that uncle…just to offer help and then dissappear..Sigh…
Send to them Norway. Free tuitoin. They can get an excellent education and they only need to show that they can support their living expenses while they are here for about 8000 dollars a year – and there are scholarships for that!
Me: Ohhh.. see I have options. You can keep an eye on them should they want to study there.
Seriously, I cannot understand why it should bother anybody else, how many kids you have!!!!
One of Poohi’s friends in school, has 7 brothers and sisters. And yet, I don’t hear anybody asking her mother how she is going to manage college and stuff!!!
Me: 7!!1 Imagine that household
I love your answers to these questions
See I think about that question for the couple who have those nineteen and counting kids. But then also its none of my business….Why are people so nosy? You are awesome btw! One day all your kids will have graduated and have good jobs/following their dreams and then these people will shut up automatically. My Mom used to get a lot of unwanted parenting advice on how to deal with me and my sis (same age, not twins, one adopted, one her own) but now we are all grown up and have turned out good and those same people are asking her for advice on their kids now…
Me: oh gosh I wonder about those Duggars. Seriously…
Wtf.. That’s simply a very mean thing to ask! Nonetheless, love your replies
And yeah, very interesting how they manage to make it into a Catch 22 with:
“Or we must be really rich to afford 4 kids. Or that we must be really poor because we have 4 kids.”
I will never truly understand why people don’t choose to shut up in some situations, as opposed to going on opening and closing their mouths and creating a mountain of garbage in the meanwhile.
Me:Hai na? Some people…..
mailman eh? …it seems as a child I wanted to be a milkman….cant figure out why though…..
so just out of curiosity, are all these ppl asking questions desi’s?
I usually notice that desi’s have a strong urge to intrude into personal lives….and now you know why i have very few desi friends (who were not college buddies)…
Me: Mostly non-desis. I made one desi friend in the 1.5 years since the move to Bay area.Though, one of the random strangers was Asian…I couldnt tell Chinese or Viet or something else.
Heh – I’ll agree that it’s none of my business, but affording education (decent schools as they grow, let alone college) is one of my default worries (You know, a nice familiar worry I can nibble away at, when I’m feeling jobless!) – I just hope I’d have the sense to not put my mouth in gear if I ever meet you IRL…but maybe, just maybe, these folks were hoping you had some kind or magic formula for college funds or something?
Do tell us your secret!
M
Me: I know we would NEVER be able to afford private schools for out kids. So our solution has always been to rent in the best school districts we can afford to rent in..
There, thats my magic solution…Renting and thrifting and NEVER eating out and no vacays..:)
Look on the bright side – if you did not have your 3rd, you would have never known that you would have a boy and the 4th one so the 3rd boy would have company. Just wait till hey grow a bit ad you will be thankful they have each other
There is a lot of help you can get financially from the govt. In college too scholarships are given for kids who are from single income households.
Me: Why I read single income.. My first thought was, is she thinking that I’ll get divorced, did she hear us screaming and fighting yesterday, then I realized oh she meant me not working..rofl
Even though you have 4 kids, I admire you for having not given up and packed your bags to go back to India or s’pore. Back n those days, our parents had 5-6 siblings at min and not a great salary ( single income again) to brag about. they raised kids just fine and enjoyed festivities, events, gathering far more than how we do. Life is how we take it. I know it is easier said than done but I can relate to you somewhat with 2 little kids myself.
-Neha
Me: I dont think I could survive in Singapore.. Too crowded and the people way too materialistic. Way too expensive lifestyle.
Welcome to the Bay Area! lmfao… some people…..have the NERVE! I’d speak in the MOST sarcastic voice….looking rather confused..and same something soooo off the wall like. Hmmm….I never really thought about it.??..?? Perhaps I should start a prostitution ring of some sort so I could start saving for their college tuition..
or…. we’re really rich – so we don’t have to worry about it.
or…. my husband is a pimp, I’m sure he’ll get more clients.
Me: I am sure NK would love this one.
or…. since they’re so worried about it (hold your hand out) and say, I’m starting a college tuition fund for each of them…since you’re worried about it…I’ll accept your donation now!
Me: Ohh nice one…I have quite a few answers now.
I don’t know how you subject yourself to all this (being around assholes like them)…..and still walk away with a smile on your face! hahaha Now that’s TALENT!
You are an angel. I would tear their tongues out after the 3rd time!
How about a variation on “Why, are you going to play?” by saying “Oh! I thought you are going to be their College Tuition Fairy, so the bills will come to you!”:-)
Tell them your hatching a plot to knock off this old filthy rich bachelor uncle so you inherit all his money7. And that will solve all money issues. Then ask the person if he has any foll-proof plots to knock off the said uncle. And tell him you’l give him a million USD if it works and your not caught
Me: Ohh a good one. Will use this next time.
On a seperate note, after having completed 3 years I get the usual questions of when are we starting a family so we generally say we’r thinking and leave it at that. One old lady (with white hair & bent double over her walker) asked me if either of us had any “problems”, answered it herself saying we don’t look it and went on to tell me the best positions and when to do it, which position to try for a boy and which one to try for a girl. And I was the one who was speechless and amazed. I told a friend. She had a million questions. I offered to get her in touch with said old lady
Me: OH MY GOD> Are you serious? Was Arjun with you?
Nope…i’m sure of he was, he would have actually had a few more questions to ask
I guess that people attack you with these inquisitive RUDE q’s because they want to feel that you MUST be having a hard time and that your FOUR kids will not have a decent future because you didn’t plan it…they just cant’ fathom that a family of six might have been planned, enjoyed, celebrated and managed really well by a super-mom and dad…because then they’ll have to bow down to you in reverence and admit that it’s different stroked for different folks!
You go girl! Nice reply…! I admire you for your strength as im handling one WITH support and going crazy!
you can also say – not planning on sending them to college
I used to want to have four kids, you know, and a cat and a dog and a goldfish.
The older kids would look after the younger ones who would in turn mind the cat, dog and goldfish while the husband oversaw operations.
Just tell those people “I’m sure the kids will manage just fine.” You know they will and that’s all those people need to know anyway. I’d kill to have had three other siblings. I do have one brother but he’s too distant. Two more would have given me some choices!